Written by retreat assistant, Kate H.

Winter in San Diego

You could hear the sound of makot— the rhythmic ping of balls hitting paddles— as I walked up to the group of soldiers playing on the beach. It was the end of a gorgeous San Diego winter day; they were in T-shirts, laughing, and completely relaxed. When I approached, they greeted me with warm hugs and immediately invited me to join them on the porch of the house. With beers in hand, we watched the huge orange sun disappear into the dark blue ocean together. We sat there for a long time, talking, sharing stories about their grandmothers born in Jaffa before World War II, and their children born after COVID. We discussed where to buy Bamba in San Diego and the similarities of Jewish mothers, even though we had been raised in such different cultures.

The warmth, their connection, and their immediate family-like nature were palpable.

A Silent Burden

At that sunset moment, it was impossible to tell that these men, with their big smiles and relaxed demeanor, were carrying a heavy burden. As veterans of the Israeli Defense Forces, many had been serving for 20 years or more— surviving one conflict after another, enduring the constant weight of military duty, and bearing the additional trauma of October 7 on top of decades of violence.

The toll of combat, loss, and constant vigilance had left deep marks— something we can classify as PTSD.

PTSD is often a burden many carry invisibly. A silent companion that visits at the worst times: when people are alone with their thoughts, or when an unexpected situation arises that triggers the traumatic event. It can be sudden, unexpected, and extremely difficult to live with. Despite this daily weight, these men continued to serve in the IDF with pride, despite the toll it had taken on their mental health.

Now, they had come to San Diego for a retreat: a chance to finally confront their trauma, heal, and reclaim the parts of themselves they thought they had lost.

Yossi Shtainmentz (therapist) and the men landing at LAX

Fathers, Fighters

This Heads Up x Jewmanity retreat #4 was particularly special because these were men who had spent decades in the military, all of them fathers, and older than the usual group of 18-22 year-olds who had participated in our previous retreats.

I spoke with Shai Gino, the founder of Heads Up, who gave me a behind-the- scenes look at some of the most meaningful moments of the 10 days spent with these men.

When they first arrived, Shai shared with me, the men were tense because they didn’t realize what a welcoming environment they were stepping into. Belinda and Andrew Donner, the founders of Jewmanity, and the retreat organizers/coordinators, specialize in making the soldiers feel like family— like home.

The men began to relax once they realized they were embraced by the strength of connection, community, and care.

The days of the retreat consisted of psychological therapy sessions, alternative therapies such as surf therapy and breathwork, and opportunities for relaxation and connection, thanks to the network of volunteers who hosted dinners and activities for the men.

The daily therapy sessions are led by Yossi, the therapist who accompanies the men from Israel. They are healing opportunities for the men to open up in a group setting and be witnessed by others who have experienced the same kinds of traumas and losses. They share their fears, their grief, and their stories. And they find themselves mirrored in understanding by the other men.

One soldier's wife told Shai at a Shabbat dinner in Israel prior to the retreat that she felt like she had lost her husband Roy. Roy had stopped smiling, stopped being happy. But after the retreat, she saw a huge shift. Roy told Shai that he has a renewed sense of self, and his problems are smaller. He feels hope again.

Many more soldiers from the retreat have stories exactly like Roy's. Now they understand in their bones that they have a backing, and they feel a part of something. They have a feeling that they're home and that they matter.

The alternative therapies gave the soldiers exposure to new things, such as yoga, breathwork, and glassmaking. One soldier, who had rarely traveled outside of Israel, caught his first wave during the surf therapy activity.

He never thought in his life that he would sit on a surfboard because he is so busy in the military. And now he is talking about buying a surfboard when he gets back to Israel because he loved it and it made him feel so good.

Others talked about incorporating the healing practices they were introduced to into their lives back home. The alternative therapies not only provided healing to the men but gave them an opportunity to push the limits of their boundaries and step outside their comfort zones.

Movement therapy with the guys

The men making glass art during art therapy with volunteer

Taking their minds away to disconnect through art

Laughter as Medicine

What distinguishes these retreats from other programs is the intimacy created by sharing daily life together under one roof. Healing didn’t stop when the therapy sessions ended- it continued in carpools filled with spontaneous karaoke, during casual shopping trips where laughter came easily, and around the Shabbat dinner table, when the wigs were broken out for laughs! Staying in the same house allowed barriers to fall away; conversations stretched late into the night, trust began to form, and created an irreplaceable closeness.

The volunteers who cook, clean, and host meals and activities are an integral part of the retreat program. They are what make the retreat what it is. The soldiers told Shai that they don't understand why someone would take time out of their busy lives to do their laundry, for example.

But when the men land here, they get access to an immediate community of vibrant volunteers who begin to feel like family. Every person who hosts a dinner in their home or volunteers their time to teach movement therapy, surf therapy, yoga, etc. is a valuable part of the retreat and the men's experience.

Carpool karaoke with Belinda and Yossi (Soldier)

Moving Forward

By the end of the retreat, the men were not only more open with each other, but they were more open with themselves. The group that had arrived unsure and tense was now bonded by shared vulnerability and brotherhood. Laughter and camaraderie flowed together in the evenings.

They stayed up late, talking, playing games, and even drinking scotch together. The weight of the war was still there, of course, but it wasn't all they were. They had found a new kind of freedom in each other's presence—a quiet, lasting kind of relief.

Heads up retreat # 4 “Fathers, Fighters”

Heads up retreat # 3 “The Brave Girls”